I Caved :-(

<p>&lt;p&gt;So today was a pretty interesting day for me. I was at work for most of the day but I came home and hung out with my line sisters for a little while. Then we went to wal mart. The interesting thing happened when I got back home.&nbsp; After drinking some tea I came in my room and I actually caved. I only pulled out one strand, which is not actually horrible, but I can't exactly say I'm pull free either. I am so disappointed in myself, but at the same time, I refuse to allow that disappointment stop me from trying to beat this. I had enough control for it to only be one, but interestingly enough it wasn't the stand I had been thinking about before.but I'm so sleepy now I'm gonna go to bed to avoid any more pulling. Good night readers. Keep fighting, and if you fall off the wagon, jump right back on!!

Being Honest....

Hey readers! I'm so exited about being a week in without pulling! I won't say it was easy, but I will say that I'm extremely proud of myself. That little sore spot in my scalp is still on my mind a lot, but I'm resisting even though it's hard. I finally explained to my roommate who happens to be a good friend of mine what I'm going through. Its surprising that I never told her, but she has noticed on her own. She doesn't know how bad my trich is, but at least she knows about it. So I feel my support system growing bigger and bigger. Today I was busy for most of the day so I haven't had time to bother my scalp, but once I got home that strand was on my mind. I'm not gonna pull it. I'm gonna fight it. But it's my bed time now, I have to work tomorrow but I wanted to keep you all updated. Good night readers! Stay strong!!!

Hard Times

Hey readers! It's been a few days since I've blogged. It got really busy for me on Thursday. I got a call about a potential job offer and had to rush around to get some things done. But in the meantime, it's been a little bit of a struggle over here. I haven't pulled, but the urge has become increasingly hard to fight over the past few days. Especially today and yesterday. I took off the wig that I wear, just like I do every day, and found a little bump on the side of my head, with a tiny strand sticking from it. I've been thinking about pulling that strand since I felt it there. It's been on my mind but I am doing a pretty good job at leaving it alone. Today it was a scab. And I found another little sore spot. It's taking everything for me not to pull. But as much as I want to pull, I want to be normal more. I want so badly to be able to not worry about my wig flying away on a roller coaster or slipping off in the pool. So I'm using the strength that I know I have. I know that if I could go this many days, then one more should be a piece of cake. It's also helping to be more honest about my urges with the people who care about me. I know they just want to help. And I do need it. But people can only help if you 're honest and open about needing help. I'm learning that even though it may make me feel bad sometimes, my mom just wants to help me. That makes me feel good. I just can't stop thinking about that one tiny stand smh. (I also am thinking from observing that periods have no effect on urges, but I'll keep observing ).

I also noticed that I've been under more stress the past few days also, im not sure yet if that's the reason for the increased urges, but it's very possible given the timing. But I won't let stress or trich get to me. I'm a fighter, and I refuse to give in. 
Once again, thanks for reading. Stay strong you guys! Don't let trich win!!

Day 2, 11/8/2012

Hey all!! So it's day two for me.  It's pretty late, it's actually 2:22 AM here ( technically day 3 but if you ask me it's not day 3 until I wake up and I haven't been to sleep yet lol).  So today was a pretty great day.  I got a phone call about a job interview that I will be going to tomorrow, and I just applied last night for the job, so that's pretty great.  And that pretty much set my day into a fast paced adventure.  I had an event at my college to attend with my sorority sisters, and had another event at a neighboring college that I wanted to stop by, but first I had to get everything straight for my interview. I also had a great visit with a mentor of mine who happens to also be a sorority sister of mine.  

While hanging out with my mentor, I told her what has been going on with me as far as my blogging, my interview, and my Trich, which she also knows about.  Although we talk at great lengths about it, I can tel that she doesn't completely understand, but it feels really great to know that she tries, and listens to me attentively, as we try to figure out ways to help me stop. But today I was glad to report that I have been pull free for two days, and going strong.  I have been trying really  hard with the Kender diet, but it's so hard to remember what I'm not supposed to eat, especially since I'm used to just eating whatever I feel like eating without thought. But since some of the people around me know some of the things I can't have, it's helpful.  I also stopped to spend some time with some friends of mine that I don't get to see too often, so that really made my day.  Today was overall an amazing day, with the exception of some female things that I will be dealing with for the next few days.  I've been told that that can have an effect on Trich, so I'll pay close attention and note my reactions.  I have noticed that the more busy I am, the less I think about pulling and the less I do it.  I noticed that today I didn't even have to give myself a huge hair pep talk to keep my hands from pulling.  It just didn't happen.  We'll see how tomorrow goes.

But I'm going to get to bed now so I can wake up early to get ready tomorrow, I hope you guys enjoy!! Be strong Trichsters!!! You can do it!!!! 

I'm Fighting Back!

Day 1
I feel like I'm finally taking ownership and can beat this thing. I haven't felt so ugly in so long and I'm surprised it has taken me so long to have this breakthrough. It's hitting me harder than ever that the people around me don't really know me. Trich is a part of me and even if I hide it from others, I can't hide it from myself or God and I need to accept it and deal with it appropriately. I haven't felt comfortable enough with anyone around me to tell them about my battle. I'm not sure if it's because I'm afraid of what they may say, or if I'm just running from myself. Wearing wigs allows me to forget for a little while what I really look like, and for a while I've been looking directly at myself and still not seeing what I really look like. Last night for some reason I saw myself and I looked so different to me. It bothered me so much. The good thing is I don't have to go through it alone. My mom has always been there for me, and last night I told my good friend David everything for the first time, and he is here for me as well. The most important thing is to have a strong system and friends you can trust. So starting today, I have a new game plan. After 13 years of pulling, I am trying once more to stop, but not by myself. David is going to be my trich buddy, meaning he's going to be my partner in stopping. Today I'm starting a month of mirror avoidance, meaning I can not look at my own hair until December 6th. I took some pictures last night for a comparison after a month, so I can see if it's getting better or worse. I am also starting the Kender Diet, which I have read may help with urges. So far, I feel empowered, and I actually feel like I can do it this time! I still feel pretty sad, but not like last night.

Introduction

Hello Readers! Welcome to my Trich Diary.  The reason I am starting this blog is that many of us who pull out our own hair spend a lot of time thinking that we are alone. That there is no way that anyone else is going through the same thing, and many of us suffer in silence, with no one to talk to about it. Or, we  have people who know about it but can not really understand.  Many of us are sad and uncomfortable because of this disorder, and many do not know what it is called. We have people who love us but can not relate. This blog is to help all of the aforementioned people, us Trichsters and the ones who love us.

Although I did not name the culprit, the disorder we suffer from is called Trichotillomania.  Although it is not quite as common as many other illnesses, Trich is much more common than you would think. Despite the fact that only 4% of the population is diagnosed, many people suffer from trich without ever being diagnosed, either because they think it's a quirk and don't realize that there is a name for it, or because they are too embarrassed to seek help for it.  And many of us have been in one or both of those positions before finding out what was going on with us.

Another major part of the battle, is that no doctor has found the cause or cure for trich (YET) and since each case is different, responses to treatment will be different for every person.  There will be many things that we try that do not work, however it is very important that you DO NOT ACCEPT DEFEAT AND NEVER STOP TRYING!. There has to be a way for us to beat this. I have read web pages where people claim that they just stopped one day on their own.  While they make it sound so easy, I'm sure it was a lot more difficult than they let on.  I have also read that some people have used hypnosis, or therapy to stop them from pulling. I myself have stopped twice, once for almost a month and once for about three weeks.  Both times I fell right back into my habit of pulling and felt terrible afterward.  And I couldn't really talk to anyone about it because I thought those closest to me would be disappointed in me, so I suffered in silence.

Before going into my accounts of what is going on for me, I'll give you some of my background with Trich.  I started pulling my hair from my scalp strand by strand at age 12. I'm not exactly sure what made me pull out that first strand, but after that first one, I couldn't stop. It felt good to my scalp physically, so I just kept pulling.  Eventually I noticed that there would be sore spots in my scalp without me doing anything to it, and pulling the hair from the sore spots was the only thing that made them feel better. I did this for about 4 years until i had made significant difference in the look of my hair. Someone recommended I wear a scarf or hat to keep me from pulling, so I wore a bandana constantly from 9th grade until 10th, when we put weave in my hair, which also makes it quite difficult to pull.  But that didn't stop me, I would pull when it was time to wash my hair, and it seemed that the hair glue made the sores get worse. By 10th Grade it was so bad that I had to wear wigs to cover up my pulling.  It wasn't until 11th grade that I was diagnosed with Trich. Through all of this, not one person I knew, knew the REAL story behind all of my hair issues. I saw a therapist and a psychiatrist weekly who tried to help figure out the reason behind my pulling, patterns and sought to help me to stop. It was extremely helpful and I began to regain my confidence, but I still didn't stop pulling. Unfortunately my coverage no longer would cover me seeing the good doctors, and it got pretty rough again. At about age 18, I got my hair to grow enough to get it braided up, so that it would both grow and be impossible for me to pull. however, this still did not stop me completely. about two years and a few weaves and braid styles later, I was back in wigs, and moved to North Carolina for college. I pulled consistently all through college. I would trance out while studying or reading, or just sitting still, and pull for hours, sometimes all night, and then feel badly and cry before finally falling asleep, looking at the piles of hair in my lap or on my books. Now a recent graduate, at age 25,  am still pulling, and have made myself nearly bald, and managed to keep this from all of the people around me. Many of my family members don't even know, including sisters and brothers. Some know I pull, but don't really know how bad it is.  Last night I had an emotional episode with my trich, and today I decided to blog about it, because sometimes we just need to know that we are not alone.

So once again, welcome to my Trich Diary. I hope I can help someone. Thankyou for reading.